Lauda's Thoughts on the Eve of Christmas Eve

It's been NINE months since I wrote here.  Erik has been out of the womb longer than he was in.  He has passed many milestones and keeps us on our toes & laughing.  Sometimes when we're bored we lay in bed and mimic him, and crack up.  Sleep-deprived parents?  Partly.  Overwhelming love for a child?  Definitely.  I think often about how I want to rear him, teach him, shape him.  And then I think about all the influences I had in my life, outside of my parents, and know that I will only be one of many for him.  Can Jake and I manage to respect him and yet teach him respect & discipline?  Can we harness the solid streak of perseverance he has and turn it to good things?  Will we remember that he is a wholly separate being from us, different and in need of discovery, not dictation?  I hope so.  This journey of parenthood is much like our walk with the Divine.  We too often are heedless, proud and independent, and then we are brought up short, reminded that we know very little and that our opinion is not law.  Last night we read an Advent reading about how Mary and Jesus related.  It left both of us a little breathless to think about the implications of the role of being Jesus' parent.  The writer said that Jesus, in His way, repeatedly pushed Mary away, the "sword piercing her soul", and yet Mary always followed, in faith.  This was her strength, this is how she was blessed - her iron faith.  And at the end Jesus severed his relationship with his mother completely.  "Woman, here is your son."  "Here is your mother."  He has John fill his role and he bows out to complete his earthly/heavenly mission.  What an ache!  To know, to be constantly reminded that your son is not really your son and that the mother-child relationship is not regarded as supremely important.  Ah, Mary, you were blessed.  But does blessing ever come without it's own form of aching?  Getting married means leaving single independence.  Having a child means self-sacrifice.  Believing means accepting that not everything can be understood or proven.  Not believing means accepting futility.  It is important to honor the blessing and just as important to honor the ache.  Living in dissonance, accepting both sides of the equation.